Predictions for 2017: International Edition

The movers, shakers and head-scratchers of 2017. 

The movers, shakers and head-scratchers of 2017. 

 

After the publication of my earlier predictions for NZ politics in 2017 -- which broke traffic records on my blog, but not in the good way --  here are my globally-directed stabs in the dark:

  • Obama's post-presidency approval ratings will nudge or exceed 70 for most of the year; Trump's will barely make 40, barring a domestic terror attack which will cause him to do even more terribly misguided things than usual.  
  • On his first day as Cabinet Secretary, Ben Carson will get lost on the way to the Housing and Urban Development offices. 
  • Lizzie Marvelly will win an Emmy for her all-sung maiden speech. 
  • Marvelly will also win a Golden Globe for the movie treatment of above song/speech, only to be snubbed in a shock upset by the Academy, prompting her to describe it on a front page NZ Herald column as "the lashing out of the neoliberal patriarchy against those of us (by which I mean me) fighting for the social justice utopia we (by which I mean I) would otherwise sing our way into."  The column will clean up at the Canon Media Awards, subsequently renamed 'the Marvellys'.  
  • Helen Clark will not be elected UN Secretary General, but will accept a provost position at a New York-based University.  
  • David Shearer will find the unrelenting chaos of South Sudan a blessed relief after years of Labour caucus meetings. 
  • Normally turds, John McCain and Lindsay Graham will manage to thwart Trump's efforts to rescind Obama's Russia sanctions, forcing the new POTUS to post a hand-written sorry note to his Moscow creditors. 
  • New York State will have so much fun prosecuting the Trump Foundation, the famously taciturn governor Andrew Cuomo will be unable to contain what some may interpret as a smile. 
  • Somebody will complain that the Academy Awards broadcast went on too long.  
  • Twitter will either drastically improve or enter a period of precipitous and rapid decline. Ditto cable networks. 
  • Yahoo! will finally leave us.  
  • Theresa May will call a snap election, doing things to Jeremy Corbyn in the process that are illegal under a raft of international conventions. 
  • The LibDems will surprise everyone.  I'm not sure how. 
  • Tony Abbott will return to the Australian Cabinet, and what remains of Malcolm Turnbull's soul will atrophy to the size of water-deprived almond.  
  • Angela Merkel will win reelection if I have to stack the ballot boxes myself. 
  • David Fahrenthold will win the Pulitzer Prize so deservedly for his Trump Foundation scoops that even Lizzie Marvelly will hold her tongue. 
  • ISIS will continue its decline but (for the same reason) accelerate its genocidal mission. 
  • Marine Le Pen will win the French Presidency on the back of former Socialist voters who reject Fillon's austerity.   
  • Ian McEwan will miss out on his overdue Nobel Prize for Literature on Lizzie Marvelly's casting vote. 
  • Piers Morgan will be a dick.